Rumination, intrusive thoughts & honesty

I only see my psychiatrist once a week. I am able to comfortably speak to her about how often I think about either suicide or someone killing me. She understands that it is not a cry for help, merely and expression of what I thought about that day/week.

I have had these thoughts daily for at least 20 years. I know I can't discuss them with most people I know without them thinking they need to ring an ambulance. These are not thoughts I can control, when I see a truck when I am driving I wonder if it is going fast enough to kill me if I drive under it. I look at my son's razor in the bathroom and wonder if I took it apart if it would be sharp enough do do a nice long cut up my arm.

I pack my medication up into a dosette box, because if I remove them from their packaging 2 times a day I often think are there enough pills in this bottle to kill me, along with the bottle of vodka in the cupboard.

I know my ex partner (we both have type 2 Bipolar Disorder) also had the same pattern of thinking. Why haven't either of us suicided yet? Because we are aware of the thoughts and we know we can talk about the thoughts with at least our professional caregivers (psychiatrists) with the understanding that it is not a cry for help, merely a statement of fact. We are also lucky enough to have each other still and other friends with whom we can discuss the thoughts without inducing panic. Our children keep us on this earth. and we get by day by day. Each day a new beginning.

I mistakenly thought that other people who had bipolar disorder would understand the statements for what they are. Not the case.

I don't have words today, but I have pictures

THESE IMAGES ARE NOT A CRY FOR HELP OK? THEY REFLECT THOUGHTS/FEELINGS THAT I'M HAVING DURING A TRULY DIFFICULT TIME IN MY LIFE.

Powerful images via my friend BPD in OKC http://ajourneythroughimages.blogspot.com/

Ashamed

I am ashamed. Through some fault of my own but a great deal of "fault" of someone else I received much less pay in the bank than normal. Today, 4 days post pay day my account is -50 dollars. The rent is paid for a fortnight but there are still more automatic payments to come out before I can next expect a pay. How much will that pay be? I have no idea as I am now going to be working casually until I can find a permanent job. I don't know when this pay will be, I assume 24/12 and I KNOW it won't be a full fortnight. Today I "found" nearly $300 of credit on a card I forgot. I also found 2 psychologist bills that I can claim a little from medibank private. I am so worried and scared about this I feel like my heart is trying to jump through the wall of my chest. I think I might just put my head in the sand, what do you think?

Also at fault was having an extra $450 on getting some of the medical tests done this week. Some things have turned up, but still more tests to go. It definitely shows so far that I am certainly not malingering. It's nice to know I'm not malingering, not so nice to be told about these chronic, and in my eyes, serious conditions. Pathology still to come back , also 2 ultrasounds as well. No wonder I felt sick.

My life is so fantastic! It takes me telling my daughter via sms that I'm going to hospital for her to reply. That's 2 replies in 3 months. Whoot. NOT.

I am scared.

I am ashamed.

Curse of lithium and stomach problems

In September I saw my GP for the first time for what I thought was nausea and food poisoning. I had already had symptoms for 3 weeks. I was tested and treated for the big 3, and all tests were clear.

So I did what every woman does, I stopped wingeing and got on with my life ... with certain adjustments and PRN panadiene forte to cope with the obvious symptom.

Over the months the nausea just gets worse and I stop eating breakfast. Then I stop eating lunch. Then I start eating jam sandwiches or extremely plain food for dinner. Sometimes I don't eat anything at all and just have a glass of milk. I take daily doses of panadeine forte instead of sporadically.

I'm at the GP for something else 2 weeks ago and mention this again. Shift in attention was marked. Referral to Gastroenterologist. Gastroenterologist has me in his office for an hour taking an extremely detailed history, physical, psychiatric, medications, timings, family history, my own cancer history. He spoke of best case scenarios and worst case scenarios. Even the best don't look good.

What are we going to do?:

1. blood tests. (complete)

2. colonoscopy. (must book)

3. ultrasounds. (only if above fail to show anything)

4. gastroscopy (only if above fail to show anything)

I go see the Pdoc the next day. Get my lithium levels 0.2 down from 0.5. Dear sweet Jesus no wonder my head has been all over the place. Even with an increase of dose a few weeks ago it is 0.2. I'm surprised I haven't been full on hypomanic. But it certainly explains the emotional lability since mid October. Sooooooooo ............

I'm scared about my psychiatric health and the medications being ok

I'm scared about my bowels. The gastroenterologist wrote words like inflamatory bowel disease and tumour on my list of tests I had to get.

I feel really really ill

I don't have a next of kin =(

Lissy

Anguish

The true meaning of the word anguish describes how I feel today. I don't know what to do, where to turn. People tell me to think of all my options before making a decision. Options?? The only option is to fucking DIE. Funnily enough I can't drive under a truck because there are traffic Islands on all the roads between work and home. DANG

Last week, I had to confess to the Pdoc that I had recently added a new genre to my music listening habits. No longer and I nearly pure classical (baroque), or some middle of the road contemporary stuff, NOOOO for me the TECHNO, hard , fast with lots of bass is unbelievable calming.

*Lissy just goes and puts some on to listen to while writing..good idea*

Pdoc asks is the music slower or faster than the stuff in your head? I had to think about it. I don't know much about my Pdoc but I know she enjoys string music, she doesn't play a stringed instrument. The techno is SLOWER than the stuff in my head, therefore I find it really calming and relaxing. WTF? I will not question and just accept the calmness, than you very much.

Last week I was agitated to the point of feeling a crawling inside my skin, wanting to cut myself to let the crawling/pain out. I have never self harmed before, and hopefully will not begin now. Bit more Lithium to the mix and an extra day off work, and I was ok. Then the crap starts again, I am expected to gloss problems over, accept that handling something in a culpable fashion is ok. I am meant to accept a huge monetary debt immediate payment now, when I gave them all the information on April 1, 2009. I don't have money like that, and my contract says they work it out and even it up every so often. Just like the "sure pay" for my electricity bill. I didn't fuck up here, they did! Why are the DEMANDS made on me for their fuck up? Are they embarrassed and this makes them feel better? The BIGGY, why the fuck can't I flex my time any more so I can go to medical appointments or if I'm sick, work from home? This was never a problem till I was diagnosed as having Bipolar disorder. I am using my annual leave going to appointments related to my DISABILITY? Is this not a human rights issue?

No wonder I've been nauseous for 3 months or more.

Again, this is not over yet.

twenty six years

Something happened today that made me realise events happen in our lives, significant events. Sometimes these events involve the actions of other people. These events induce us to change the direction of our lives. The events are not the reason, they are not to blame. The events are merely a catalyst for a change of direction in your life, sometimes massive changes. There's a much longer blog about this inside me. It is not read to come out yet, it is too raw at this point.

lithium = new life

Can the aliens please bring Lissy back.

Therapeutic level of lithium and your life changes for ever.

When a former partner of mine chased a diagnosis of Bipolar disorder after I suggested that he might have it, he began lithium therapy. The lithium worked well very quickly and I remember him saying to me that:

he didn't know who he was any more, he felt different,

is this what being normal feels like,

he had never been normal as an adult,

he didn't like who he was,

he didn't like who he was now

and the biggy..he had to learn who he was now.

I used to listen to him. I would reassure him that I loved him in what ever form he came in.

Two years after this I gain the same diagnosis. My biggy is the same, who am I as this medicated adult. Can the aliens who took me back and replaced me with this facsimile please bring me back? ................... I know, I need to learn to love myself in this form. Some bits of me I really like, some of the bits I don't really like. However it is me.